im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
