Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
We talked him into tasing himself.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
