Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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