I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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