Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
