apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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