i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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