def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
