this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
