Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
