the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
