he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
