To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I need water and some morals
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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