I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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