Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
