how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
