you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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