I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
