So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
