does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
