I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
