I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
