he thought i was a dude.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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