Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
