don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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