his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
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I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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