wrigley field is MILF paradise
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
