I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
