if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize