I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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