If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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