when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
