My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
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