i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize