never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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