I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
