It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
