She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
