we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
