What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
