No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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