she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
