i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I could make wine with my vomit
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
