how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
