Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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