If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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