he thought i was a dude.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
