Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
