I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
