I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
