i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
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How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
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My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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