last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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